I am hoping buy joinging this  communitie that I can help my self let ago of the past. I some times feel like its taking the life right out of me. i want to be able to breath again and fill alive.  I just like some of you dont like the holidays cause I will have to spend them alone. I have no family around here, and the ones that I do have around here wont give me the time of day. I will only call my Mom and maybe text my cousin thats only cause the rest wont return my damn calls or want to talk to me. I dont know why i think for my Dads side I bring in too many bad memories that they dont want to remeber they want to forget all the past and hurt that they caused him when he was alive, I think they feel guilty that they dont get the chance to tell him they are sorry for every thing. Part of me wants to call them but figure its would be a waste of time. I dont have a boy friend cause  I have some trust issues it seems all the guys I pick just leave me for some one else ussualy younger and skinny. (no offense to any one.) So thats what I have to say so far.
  • Current Music
    Gotta be somebody out there bye Nickleback

(no subject)

 I am really struggling today. The memories and flashbacks and pain all seem to be like a cloud over my head.  I can't seem to shake them.  I am trying out this Live Journal thing as a way to release some of these pent up emotions. I hope it helps.
  • Current Mood
    crushed crushed

depression-getting into the christmas spirit

I really hate Christmas.  All that happiness, all those smiles, all of that having to hug people you can't stand the sight of.  This year was better than previous years.  Partly this is because I started preparing emotionally well in advance.  I felt a bit like the downstream town, filling sandbags and probing the defences for weaknesses in the face of the impending inundation.  The other 'good' thing about this year was that I was able to manage the amount of contact I had with other people.  I guess all of this is a sign of mental illness.  I don't know.  All I do know is that in years past, Christmas has been one of the most dangerous times of the year.  This is not only because of the fact that the loneliness of depression is a bad combination with the general happiness of others, but also because some of the really bad shit in my life happened around Christmas.

So anyway, I made it through...and now hopefully I'm right for another year.  I am also hoping that maybe I won't even be in Australia next Christmas and that would be a great excuse for not going to all of those annoying 'sharing the love' experiences.  Perhaps I'll start an 'anti-christmas', where you take things from other people, and only eat beans or dry cabbage or some other disgusting thing.

On a kind of tangent, or only vaguely associated topic, I have realised that I can only handle so much 'happiness' before I start getting grouchy.  That's not to say that I like being unhappy for its own sake, rather, that I find extreme happiness so exhausting and I need to come down safely to avoid crashing.   I need my life to be in equilibrium...too much of anything, and I start to get off-balance.  All of this traveling and meeting new people is great, but there are times when I really need to stop, calm myself, be silent and just listen to my own breathing.  I need a holiday from my holiday.  No, really I am loving my time here, it is the greatest thing I've ever done.  I am just a grumpy old man sometimes and I need to unplug from people so that (a) I don't annoy them too much and (b) so that I can recharge my tolerance batteries.  I guess I was never meant to be a socialite.

regaining consciousness

Hi everyone, how are you all?  I know it has been weeks since I posted.  I figure I have a good excuse, that being that I'm now in Hungary.  I would like to pick things up again, so I'd really appreciate it if you could let me know who is still reading this and who is interested in getting going again.

I hope everyone survived Christmas/New Year.  It is my most UNfavourite time of the year, and I even had to leave the country to escape it.

Take care.
  • jynxt

Finally opening up.

Hey everyone.

I decided it was time to come clean about a few things and I chose this livejournal malarky to finally do it.  I'm nowhere near ready to talk about this with people who actually know me.  But it has to come sooner or later, so I thought I'd test the waters a little first here.  I have only just started my journal but I intend it to be an ongoing account of the strangeness of my life as two people.  If anyone is interested in reading it and sharing any similar experiences with me, you are more than welcome.

Finally,  hope you all have a really good New Year.

  • Current Mood
    anxious anxious

(no subject)

Hi everyone,

I'm sorry I have not posted anything for a while...I have not forgotten you all. I have just been very busy. SG has also had much to do lately. We will be getting back into things soon, so please don't lose interest. I hope everyone is ok.

anti depressant treatment info

The standard answer to this question is approximately two weeks. There a few factors that affect this though. First of all, it really depends on whether the drug you have been prescribed is the 'right' one for your condition, what the starting dose is, and whether it is compatible with your body chemistry. Some people react very well to anti-depressant treatment, while others do not. Some of this is simply because depression is not a purely physical condition. Anti-depressants are prescribed based on such factors as statistical success rates overall, and also in relation to specific symptoms such as whether anxiety/panic attacks are present etc. This is why SSRI drugs are often the first line since they have a success rate of about 70%. Other factors that affect how quickly anti-depressants work are things like general physical health, diet, weight, alcohol/drug consumption and the presence or absence of other medications. Some people, however, simply don't get any positive reaction to a/d meds at all.

While positive effects typically take approximately two-weeks, the negative side-effects often come on fairly quickly (within a day or so), often these effects can be things like excessive tiredness, dizziness, nausea, loss of coordination etc. If the drug is successful, most of these effects reduce over time as the body becomes accustomed to its presence. For some, however, this does not happen, and the negative effects remain.

So, before taking a medication, it is really important to read up about what the likely effects are going to be, and whether you are able to cope with them. Make sure you tell your doctor about any other drugs (legal or illegal) you are taking...this is particularly important if you are drinking a lot of alcohol. As I mentioned, some drugs are simply not compatible with some people. For some, rather than having an ANTI-depressant effect, they INCREASE depression. This can be very dangerous, especially among those who have already expressed thoughts of suicide or self-harm. Once again, alcohol contributes greatly to this. On its own, it already has a depressant effect, but combined with some medications can amplify this exponentially. For many people, it really all comes down to a choice. That is, whether the benefits of treatment outweigh the discomfort of negative side-effects, and their impact on lifestyle. (Many meds affect libido and sexual performance. Some meds like Risperdal (developed for Schizophrenia but also prescribed for depression) can actually cause lactation or cessation of menstruation)

Personally, I believe it is worthwhile to start with relatively low doses first off. While it does mean that the benefit may take longer to become noticeable, it also means that if there are negative effects, that they are more likely to be manageable. Starting with a high dose straight away puts a lot of strain on the body as it struggles to adjust to a new chemical in the system. For a person who is already battling depressive illness, this shock can be more than they cope with emotionally, since even a person without depression would feel all manner of unfamiliar and unpleasant effects. Since a/d meds do work on the brain's function in terms of response to emotional stimuli, I think it's really worth taking the time to gradually increase dosage to an effective and manageable level. I also think it's really important to say that a/d meds cannot simply be stopped straight away. Their use needs to be tapered off, and so obviously, if someone is on a high dose and it is decided that they need to change or discontinue their treatment, it will take significantly longer. It's kind of obvious that if they do need to be discontinued, it is usually because they are not having the desired effect. The effects of abruptly stopping a/d treatment can be extremely unpleasant. They are much the same as the negative side-effects on starting treatment, but can be worse. (vomiting, dizziness, buzzing in the ears)

The final thing that is worth mentioning here is why you are being prescribed anti-depressants in the first place. This might seem an odd thing to say, but in fact, a/d meds, like schizophrenia & epilepsy meds, are often prescribed for more treatments than their original intended purpose. For some of these conditions, the desired effects may take less than the standard two weeks. For instance, tri-cyclics like imipramine or dothiapine are prescribed for things like Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Once again, it is not well understood why they work for this, only that they do. (There is actually a fair bit of disagreement about this) If successful, positive effects can be felt within a few days, increasing as irritability decreases.

Typically, the most effective and 'safe' treatment for depression combines both medical and psychological components such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. This is because it provides an opportunity for a treating doctor to observe any changes that may be occuring. Once again, however, CBT is not a 'magic bullet' treatment. For some people it is very successful, while for others it is not.

The most important things in treating depression are as much as possible to be in a peaceful and supportive environment, and to have good treating doctor. I know that to have both of these is not possible for some. I have heard some real horror stories about the incompetence of doctors, and the amazing ignorance and even cruelty of some family members. It's stuff like this that makes me so passionate about what I do. Anti-depressants are not 'happy pills', but neither are they toxic or mean that the person taking them is 'weak', 'lazy' or 'addicted to drugs'. It is worth trying anti-depressants, even if they don't work at first attempt. As my doctor said to me "wouldn't you kick yourself if the one thing you didn't try was the one thing that actually worked?" It is important though, to have realistic expectations of what they can and can't do and to make sure someone you can trust knows you are taking them so they can monitor your progress.

I'm sorry if this post was a much longer and more drawn out response to the question you actually wanted answers for, but I thought some of this info might be useful. Please feel free to ask me any questions about medications and treatments. If I don't know the answer straight out, I'll find out for you. Also, please do not hesitate to leave any comments about your experience with medication and is all really valuable information to me, but can also help others who are trying to decide what to do themselves.